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	Healing Survivors, Ending Abuse By Jaime Romo Healing and Spirituality March 30, 2010 http://www.jaimeromo.com/blog/ An ancient Vedic text says, “You are your deepest driving desire. As is your desire, so is your will as is your will, so is your deed. As is your deed, so is your destiny. Therefore, your desires can become your destiny.” If we really want healing and an end to sexual abuse, it requires us to shift, in some small and big ways: different words, thoughts, actions to connect us to what we really really want. When I was finishing my doctoral studies, people asked me what I wanted to accomplish with my dissertation. I answered as many in the same position answered, after having gone through a six year process of learning and then applying my own ideas; after working with sometimes challenging or harsh feedback about whether I really knew what I was talking about. I said that I wanted my dissertation to change the world. The final step in a doctoral process is rightfully called a defense. Besides the basic presentation of what we have studied in very systematic ways, we need to answer the question, ‘so what?’ So what if we have dedicated years of life to understanding something that few people may even want to think or talk about? So what if this obsession has cost us and those around us our time, energy, and sense of presence? And no little financial investment that has taken away from other things that called for support. What are the implications of what we have sacrificed, studied and learned? But that’s not enough. To change the world, we have to answer the question, ‘now what?’ Now what are we or others going to do to really turn this information to transformation? This process forces those who would aspire to follow a passion to be clear about our intentions: what we really want. To survivor supporters, I want you to stop and think about what you really want. Your answer might be material, health related, a spiritual goal, whatever it is that we really rally want. To those who have experienced religious authority sexual abuse and soul death, I believe you also have to answer the questions, ‘so what and now what?’ Given how this has impacted you, what are you going to do about it to get what you really really want? I wanted to change the world to be more just and collaborative with my dissertation. I surrendered to the process of finding my voice, coming to trust myself and what I know, and becoming a teacher of teachers. When I finished the process, one of my committee members said about my efforts, ‘remember, it’s not what you have done; it’s who you have become.’ Now, I have become a person committed to another process. I want my current efforts to promote healing and the end of sexual abuse everywhere. That’s right. My intention is to help end sexual abuse everywhere. I believe that by helping those who carry the toxic impact of sexual abuse, particularly by a religious authority figure, to reclaim and sustain their spiritual lives, that their light and healing presence will promote others’ healing and wisdom. When survivors and supporters work together, I believe that we will collectively live and work at higher levels of consciousness, intentionality, and justice. Most survivors I know want two things: their own healing and to make sure no one else experiences the abuse they experienced. In order to try to accomplish both, too many survivors work hard at changing others’ behaviors before practicing self care that promotes their own healing. As a result, I think we’re often not as effective overall in seeing social changes. If you’re still reading, let someone know what you want with respect to being impacted by religious authority sexual abuse. Share it in a support meeting, with a therapist, tell a friend or write it down. Let it become your mantra and commit to a process of healing, of finding your voice and using your voice to make a difference somehow. Start with making a difference for yourself, then for others. Like the flight attendants say before a flight, put the oxygen masks over your nose and mouth first, and then help someone else. And what is this pure oxygen we need to breathe? For survivors in particular, I think this oxygen is affirming our goodness. Affirm that you are: beautiful, brilliant, talented, free to be curious, a spiritual being having a human experience, a gentle soul, a gift from God, a spark of God, pure consciousness, a manifestation of spirit. Yes, even if you’ve experienced soul death. If we can re-embody these aspects of ourselves, then the world can also become a place of healing, a place without abuse. The explosion of abuse cases in Germany and other parts of the world will serve, I hope, to bring many out of denial. Survivors have too often sacrificed self care in order to expose abuse and cover up and shake others out of denial. Now, it’s time to shift. If you haven’t done so already, take care of you and then we’ll get what we really really want. To end abuse out there, end it in here. Dr. Romo is the author of “Healing the Sexually Abused Heart: A Workbook for Survivors, Thrivers, and Supporters.” See excerpts at: http://www.jaimeromo.com/workbook
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