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  Lethal Weapons

By Victoria A. Brownworth
Bay Area Reporter
July 22, 2010

http://www.ebar.com/arts/art_article.php?sec=lavendertube&article=123

It's a scientific fact that people are more prone to bouts of insanity, sometimes protracted, in extremely hot weather than in cold. Which may explain some of what we've been seeing on the tube in recent days. All over the tube, it's insane people gone wild.

Take the Pope – please! (Apologies to Henny Youngman.) Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the Vatican, another missive from the Pontiff appeared on July 15, televised, naturally, because these people always want a video record of their Most Embarrassing Moments.

Read for the international news media like it was a positive thing that would wash away all the bad press of the past year with regard to the pedophile priest scandal, Pope Benedict's commentary was more like a bad joke: How is a woman like a pedophile? Neither should be a priest. Rim shot. Ta-dum.

The Vatican said specifically that the attempted ordination of women, as has happened in the US, France, the UK and several other countries, is a "grave crime" subject to the same procedures and punishments meted out for priest sexual abuse. Yes, the Pope said that ordaining women and raping children is the same thing. How hot is it in Rome?

It didn't take long for the ripple effect to turn into a tsunami. Outrage came from all quarters, but especially women who were quick to find their own TV cameras to respond to the Pope. "The idea that women seeking to spread the message of God somehow defiles the Eucharist reveals an antiquated, backwards Church that still views women as unclean and unholy," said Erin Saiz Hanna, executive director of the Women's Ordination Conference, an organization that works to ordain women as deacons, priests and bishops.

The Vatican has learned nothing from its tone-deafness on the pedophile priest scandal, which just dropped off the TV news a nanosecond ago. The Vatican respond to the outrage with yet another televised press conference on July 16, in which the Vatican spokesperson "clarified" the Pope's stance: sexual abuse of minors is "more grave" than ordaining women as priests. But only thismuch. Omigod.

A few facts the Vatican seems not to know: Female congregants outnumber males in the Church four to one, which means women form the backbone of the Church. Oh, and just as a side note: there have been no sexual abuse scandals involving nuns.

So there was the Pope, on the tube again, still looking like he doesn't know what's happening in his own Church. To which we can only say: even BP replaced Tony Hayward.

The Vatican line on women can best be summed up like this: "The Catholic Church – not as woman-hating as Iranian clerics!"

Horrible Mel Gibson.

Speaking of which, if it weren't for TV, would Sakineh Mohammadi-Ashtiani still be alive? We think not. Something about seeing video of a woman being lowered into a hole to be stoned to death (thank you, ABC and BBC) seems to stoke the international ire.

As British Foreign Secretary William Hague told BBC, "I think that stoning is a medieval punishment that has no place in the modern world, and the continued use of such a punishment in Iran demonstrates, in our view, a blatant disregard for human rights. I think if this punishment were carried out, it would disgust and appall the watching world."

That's the key phrase: "the watching world," the TV audience. In case you aren't exactly sure what happens in a stoning, Hague's response isn't intense enough and you didn't see the video on TV, here's what happens: a hole is dug, the victim's hands are tied behind her back and her body is put in a cloth sack or shroud. The woman is buried in the hole, with only her shoulders and head above the ground. The crowd stoning her then chants "Allah hu Akbar" ("God is great") and throws palm-sized stones at the head of the victim from a prescribed number of feet away (a circle is drawn around her). Stones are thrown until the woman dies or she escapes out of the hole and crosses the circle. Of course escape is impossible, since the woman's hands are tied behind her back and she's buried up to her shoulders.

Stoning deaths usually take several hours and are extremely violent. Stoning is different from other forms of capital punishment in that it is a community event – everyone participates in the killing of the victim. Sort of like a lynching, only more awful. (If you have the stomach for it, there are videos of stonings online.)

We think the 99 lashes Mohammadi-Ashtiani received before she got her sentence of being stoned to death should have been televised. Somehow 99 lashes just doesn't sound all that bad, especially compared with stoning. But seeing such punishment meted out is something else again. Which is why we are also of the mind that televising executions would end the death penalty in the US if people saw it live.

Vile thing

Take Mel Gibson – please! (Okay, now we really apologize to Henny Youngman.) No, we're not suggesting Gibson be executed. Really, we aren't. But we are saying that public exposure via the tube does have a viral effect on people's perception. We couldn't be more pleased to have our theory validated by the almost universal revulsion that has accompanied the televised revelations that Mel Gibson is an even more vile human being than we already knew him to be.

When the leaked audiotapes of your arguments with your paramour – who is also the mother of your eight-month-old daughter – are more vile than the leaked tapes of your previous drunken, sexist, anti-Semitic, homophobic tirade against the police, the heat has definitely gotten to you. As late-night host Craig Ferguson quipped, "BP is putting a new cap on the leaking oil well. It could capture up to 90% of the disgusting filth that's spewing from there. And if it works, they're going to try the same thing on Mel Gibson."

Gibson has been the tabloid TV story of the week, for which Lindsay Lohan must be oh-so-grateful. (She checked into rehab July 15, btw, in an obvious attempt to avoid her prison sentence.) But Gibson, A-list star that he is, didn't just end up on ET, Access Hollywood, Inside Edition and TMZ. Gibson's meltdown was so intense – he called his girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva a cunt at least 20 times, demanded that he be blown before she got in the Jacuzzi, said her (actually pretty demure) clothing was so provocative that if she were "raped by a pack of niggers" it would serve her right, and also threatened to kill her, saying that someone needed to "take a bat" to her head – it made the evening news on all three networks and CNN.

Nightline devoted a segment to Gibson's history of disturbing behavior. And in all of Hollywood, the only person who stood up for Gibson was Whoopi Goldberg on ABC's The View.

So let's review: Roman Polanski, convicted child rapist, was able to find a slew of A-list people to sign a petition saying he was really a very upstanding child rapist. Gibson's current director, Jodie Foster, refused to comment, as did Gibson's longtime co-star, Danny Glover. Foster's film is now said to be dead due to Gibson's lunacy. Leonardo di Caprio was said to be considering a way to pull out of the film being directed by Gibson that he is scheduled to star in.

Whoopi Goldberg, however, who most recently stood up for Polanski and dog-killer Michael Vick, said Gibson had been in her house with her children and was not a racist. Right, Whoopi –because referring to packs of roving, raping niggers is definitely not racist talk. And drugging a 13-year-old in a vacant house then sodomizing her isn't "rape-rape," and killing dogs by electrocution, drowning and strangulation is a "cultural difference."

Remember when Whoopi was smart and funny, and Sherri Shepherd was the idiot on The View? Well, Shepherd is still an idiot, but Whoopi is doing her best to trump her.

The Gibson scandal brought former TV talk-show host Arsenio Hall out of the woodwork to tell Access Hollywood and Inside Edition that the "old-fashioned word asshole" should be revived for Gibson. He added, "Come on, the guy has proven to us time and time again that he's out of his mind. And here's how stupid he is, he don't even take care of Mel, because if you're going through a divorce, the last thing you want to do is diss Jewish people, because you're going to need a good lawyer." Oy. And we thought reality TV was over-the-top.

Speaking of reality TV, it looks like Bristol Palin and the father of her baby, Levi Johnston, might be having their own show now that the two have gotten back together and are getting married. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

Speaking of jokes, actress Rosie Perez visited President Obama at the White House last week. Perez was in a wheelchair and a neck brace, having just had surgery after being injured while filming an episode of Law & Order: SVU. When he asked what happened, Perez explained to the President that she does all her own stunts. Without missing a beat, Perez said Obama responded, "Well, apparently you aren't very good at it." And another rim shot.

Finally, as exciting as the TV news has been, we still prefer fictional TV. Our pick of the week is ABC's summer series The Gates. While it's not as edgy as HBO's True Blood, it is still nicely twisted. Vampires, succubi, werewolves and the like live in a gated community to protect them from those who just don't understand difference. Inside the gates, they are ministered to by herbalists and witches. But there's a complicated police detective from Chicago who just can't leave well enough alone.

Like True Blood, the cast consists of a teen crowd and an adult crowd, and both are super-sexy. On The Gates, a bromance is developing between two great-looking werewolves, while the lead character Claire Radcliffe, played with sensual lan by Rhona Mitri (Boston Legal ), an unhappy housewife vampire who's missing the kill, seeks help from a variety of sources. Last episode she had a threesome kill with her former vampire mentor and a lovely female victim. This is edgier than network ever gets, and well worth watching.

So, to maintain the equilibrium the stars seem unable to, keep a cold compress on your head and a cool drink by your side, and whatever you do, stay tuned.

 
 

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