Eau De Pope; Scents, Sense and Nonsense

By Vinnie Nauheimer
Minnesota SNAP
March 20, 2012

http://mnsnap.wordpress.com/vinnie/

[note: This is satire.]

St. Peter, “What is that smell?”

“Its pope Benedict XVI, Jesus,” said St. Peter

But he’s not supposed to die for another couple of minutes.

I know Jesus, but his cologne always gets there five minutes before he does!

As philosophers remind us, in every piece of humor is some truth. What possible truths could be associated with an 84 year old pontiff having a custom blended scent made for him to wear as has recently been reported in the Italian press? Maybe the toilet water in the Vatican is backing up or maybe the stench of the rotting empire is too much to bear. Then again, maybe this is what happened:

The Story of how Sexual Abuse Became Policy

In the beginning there was clerical sexual abuse and then came all the hierarchal excuses for it. The excuses were nonsense and without merit. And darkness fell over the church, the victims and their families. And the victims, their families and the laity spoke among themselves telling each other, “This is a crock of shit and it stinks to high heaven.”

So the families went to the monsignor and said, “Clergy abuse is a bunch of crap and we can’t stand the stench!” And the monsignor went to the bishop and said to them, “Clerical abuse is like a container of excrement and a very strong one at that. The laity can’t stand it! The strong smell is driving people to leave the church.”

And the bishops pondered the excrement in sacred convocation and went to the Cardinals saying to them, “Clergy sexual abuse is a crock of fertilizer and the smell isn’t as bad as the laity would have us believe.

And the Cardinals discussed the problem among themselves and they said to one another, “Fertilizer is a good thing because it contains that which allows plant growth, provides food and nutrition.”

And the Cardinals went to the pope and said, “Clergy abuse will promote growth and provide nutrition. It will grow the church and benefit both the clergy and their flocks.” And the Pope looked upon the plan, saw that it was good, blessed it and the plan became policy.

This is how clergy abuse became policy and why the pope needs Toilette Water not Holy Water to keep the odor of corruption from his aging nostrils.