1in6 Thursday: into Each Life…a Little Rain

By Peter Pollard
Joyful Heart Foundation
May 24, 2012

http://joyfulheartfoundation.org/wordpress/1in6-thursday-into-each-life-a-little-rain/

The commencement speaker at my niece’s graduation this past weekend startled some in the audience when he noted that having to overcome adversity is a normal part of a achieving a fulfilling life.

I was reminded of my own rocky road to a college education and how critical it was for me to address my history of childhood sexual abuse before I could confidently pursue that or any other dream. As he spoke, I found myself thinking about the chasm between the poles of feelings of isolation and feelings of connection, of powerlessness and competence, failure and success, of shame and of pride and the process of healing that made it possible for me to move from one to the other.

I was just 18 when I dropped out of college in 1969. The world that year offered lots of legitimate reasons for challenging authority and for dismissing traditional concepts of success. My beliefs then certainly weren’t hollow or invalid. But the energy with which I immersed myself in my rebel identity served a much more personal purpose than simply changing the world.

What I know now with certainty (and didn’t recognize even slightly then) is that all my thinking, all my attitudes, all my decisions in those early years of adulthood were strongly influenced by my reaction to the sexual abuse I’d experienced at the hands of a trusted mentor, just a few years earlier.

As men, most of us are raised in families, cultures and communities that discourage us from expressing emotions like shame, powerlessness and depression. And so, one of the first tasks often faced by a man wanting to restore a sense of control over his life after childhood sexual abuse is admitting to the feelings of having lost that control through the abuse. That’s a tall order for many of us men.

As I listened to the commencement speaker, I glanced around at the thousands of men in the audience and at the young male graduates. Research tells us that 1 in 6 of these men is likely to have experienced childhood sexual abuse. I wondered how they each had chosen to deal with that reality.

Like many of the 19 million men in the US who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood, I actively defended against that awareness until my mid 30s. Then I was finally ready to face the legacy of my experience. First, I turned to therapy; then, I returned to college.

Of course, college was just one of many paths I might have taken while recovering from losses related to my traumatic experience. For me it was a symbolic reclamation of a direction that I’d abandoned in response to my abuse. And so, after 20 years, I finally earned my undergraduate degree in 1990. Fifteen years later, I got a Masters degree.

But education wasn’t really the end goal. Understanding that it was my reaction to the abuse that had separated me from my community, empowered me to find my way back. Education was just the tool I used to regain a sense of connection, success, competence and pride. Like the fellow told the graduates—overcoming adversity has been an important part for me in creating a fulfilling life.

Peter Pollard is the Training and Outreach Director for 1in6, Inc. Peter previously worked for 15 years as a state, child-protection social worker and was the Public Education director at Stop It Now! Since 2003, he has served as the Western Massachusetts coordinator for SNAP (Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests) and also does work for a Certified Batterers Intervention Program.

The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives.

1in6?s mission also includes serving family members, friends, and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.

Joyful Heart and 1in6 invite you to visit 1in6.org for info, options and hope, and to learn more about our partnership and Engaging Men initiative at men.joyfulheartfoundation.org.

The views expressed above are not necessarily those of the Joyful Heart Foundation or 1in6.