The Pope Says Spanking Is Ok, but ... Is It?

By Kara Baskin and David Mogolov
Boston Globe
February 6, 2015

https://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/2015/02/06/the-pope-says-spanking-okay-but/TadCuhCGCABK9dscp9iFWK/story.html

When I was a kid, my parents spanked us sometimes, but never much. Now that I have kids, I’m starting to think about spanking (everybody has an opinion -- even Pope Francis, who says spanking is okay as long as children are not “demeaned”). I’m kind of on the fence, to be honest. Is it OK to spank?

David: In our house, kids don’t get hit or spanked, and I think that’s becoming more and more common.

The world is moving rapidly away from corporal punishment. Thirty-three nations have outlawed corporal punishment, according to the Gunderson National Child Protection Training Center. While the US isn’t one of them, the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child requires all members to “take all appropriate legislative, administrative, social and educational measures to protect the child from all forms of physical or mental violence,” which seems to obligate us to end the practice.

I know many parents believe in spanking, and that they see it as a traditional and effective method of discipline. Every time corporal punishment makes the news, people invariably say, “I was spanked, and it didn’t do me any harm.” Just look at the comments section or tweets related to any article about Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson’s abuse charges for evidence of this.

But I’m not convinced. The science behind corporal punishment is resoundingly anti-spanking. “The American Academy of Pediatrics strongly opposes striking a child.” This is the beginning of the organization’s statement on physical punishment. The American Academy of Child & Adult Psychiatry’s statement says, “Extensive research demonstrates that although corporal punishment may have a high rate of immediate behavior modification, it is ineffective over time, and is associated with increased aggression and decreased moral internalization of appropriate behavior.” So not only does it cause anguish, it’s ineffective.

I know that most spankings aren’t intended as abuse, but I worry that they end up that way. A 1996 study interviewed all members of 320 “non-abusive” families about the use of spankings. One fact stands out: “The parents themselves (85 percent) express moderate to high anger, remorse, and agitation while punishing their children.” The implication is that 85 percent of physical punishment is doled out not by level-headed, rational, caring parents, but agitated, remorseful, or angry ones.

Parents lose it. I’m no exception. I lose it. I yell, and I make bad decisions. I would not trust myself to dole out a “safe” amount of violence in that circumstance. I don’t think it’s something people can do. I don’t think it’s worth the risk.

Kara: So much in parenting is about instinct and reacting in the moment. It’s very hard to analyze scientific arguments about why you should or shouldn’t do things when your child has just spilled water on your laptop or chopped off her little sister’s hair as a fun “experiment.”

The fact that you’re pausing to consider discipline methods before things get to the meltdown stage is really great. As David points out, there’s plenty of research that calls spanking into serious question. It’s certainly worth evaluating (in a calm moment, when your child hasn’t just dropped your iPhone into the toilet).

Spanking isn’t the only technique that’s up for debate these days. Take yelling, for example. In general, we’ve become increasingly reflective in analyzing our parenting techniques and in trying to untangle our emotions from our discipline.

There’s not a one-size-fits-all solution for a child or a family, though; like anything else, you need to figure out what feels intuitively right and whether it’s effective for your particular kid. To that end, if you’re asking yourself if something is “OK,” chances are you feel uncertain about it. And if you feel uncertain, you should probably think twice before doing it. This goes for discipline or eating the last cookie. There are many discipline techniques out there: modeling appropriate behavior, time-outs, withholding privileges, positive reinforcement. If you’re able to implement one of these strategies, consistently and firmly, you’re giving yourself options so that spanking (or any technique you feel iffy about) isn’t the only solution.

I remember a piece of advice my pediatrician gave to me when my toddler was born. As we all know, babies can howl for what feels like hours on end and nothing--no amount of rocking, whispering, sh-sh-shushing, and cajoling can stem the fury. The best technique is to put the baby down and leave the room for a few minutes to chill out. The same holds true as kids get older. Sometimes parents need a timeout, too. Give yourself permission to compose your thoughts and assess the situation objectively. Don’t pressure yourself to react right away. In business negotiations, an effective technique to unsettle your adversary is a long pause. The same holds true when dealing with children.

Now, for a bit of levity: If you’re truly desperate, bear in mind that there’s a barber in Georgia who offers misbehaving children “Benjamin Button” haircuts. (I think David and I both agree that this is a bad idea.)