New York Priest Stole $1m Church Lady Donations for His Gay S&m Master, As One Does
By Evan Hurst
Every Sunday around the great US and A, churches pass the collection plates, so they can use the money to buy food and clothes for poor kids, and send Bibles to China, and so their priests can have “drug-fueled sex romps” in the dungeon with Keith. Because Catholic priests need somebody to help them wind down after a hard day of priesting, and it helps if that somebody is named Keith, has big muscles, and forces everybody to drink his pee: A Catholic priest swiped collection-plate donations to pay for drug-fueled sex romps with a heavily muscled S&M “master,” a new lawsuit charges. Parishioners claim the Rev. Peter Miqueli has stolen at least $1?million since 2003 […] Their suit alleges he used the money to act out unholy fantasies as a sexual “slave,” blowing $1,000 at a time on bondage-and-discipline sessions where a “homosexual sex ‘master’?” — identified in court papers as Keith Crist — “would force Father Miqueli to drink Keith Crist’s urine.” That’s SO Keith. But it’s even better than that, because the suit says Miqueli used the money to pay $1075.50 per month for a little place in the city, and $264,000 in cash for a little place in New Jersey, and Keith lived at both of those places, and all he had to do was pee all over Rev. Miqueli’s face on a regular basis. OK, so you are probably thinking, “What up, Wonkette? Sounds like a traditional Catholic priest romance story to us, are we missing any pertinent details?” Yes, you are, because we haven’t telled you all the things yet. For example, the lawsuit says a very famous scumbag motherfucker Catholic bigwig by the name of Cardinal Timothy Dolan, current archbishop of New York and former president of the U.S. Conference Of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), knew ALL about how these two lovebirds would get in the bathtub and swim in pee (which even resulted in a nasty boo-boo on Keith’s knee one time, according to his sometimes lady sex friend!), and how the moneys for “Extreme Bathtub: Gay S&M Priest Edition” came directly from the coffers of not only two churches, but also a thrift shop Miqueli was responsible for. And what did he do about it? Not shit, says the lawsuit. But Cardinal Dolan was probably busy doing these other scumbag things, and didn’t have time to worry about Rev. Gross-Gross and his dungeon master: Bribing pedophile priests to go away, so their kid-diddling doesn’t cause The Church any more untoward embarrassment. Suing the Obama administration to make sure ladies can’t have access to slut pills for their vaginal regions, because healthcare for ladies is a sin. Also, bitches can just buy condoms at the 7/11, so what’s the big? Hiding $50M in church assets when he was Archbishop of Milwaukee, to make sure those horrible Catholic Church sex abuse victims couldn’t be awarded any of that money. Sitting in his underpants blogging like a common blogger, about how much he hates those same sex abuse victims. Whining about how it’s just super unfair for everybody to keep blaming the Catholic hierarchy, just because so many priests fucked kids. Being surprisingly OK with the homos marching in the New York City St. Patrick’s Day parade, probably because Keith wanted to go. Dolan is a festering dickboil on the bejeweled grundle of Catholic humanity, is our point. He simply HAD to do all that other stuff, for Catholic Jesus, and ignore this little problem. Besides, Keith always seemed to make Father Piss-Mouth happy, so what’s a little embezzlement between a priest and his dickmaster?
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