The Priests Should Have Given Trump His Last Rites Last Night
By Charles P. Pierce
Well, I have to say that, when it comes to appearing before an audience of influential clergy, Joan of Arc got a better reception than Donald Trump did. Usually, you can't get the Roman Catholic hierarchy booing you unless you're carrying a condom, or maybe a subpoena. But, seriously, folks… Before we get to the Los Alamos of after-dinner speeches, let's pause for a moment and pay tribute to the founder of the feast, our jovial host, His Eminence, Timothy Cardinal Dolan, Archbishop of New York, Yankee fan, and otherwise inexcusable presence in the country's spiritual life. Never one to miss a chance to preach to the spotlight, Dolan spouted off on the subject of some mildly critical comments on conservative Catholics that allegedly were exchanged by members of the upper echelons of the campaign of Hillary Rodham Clinton. "The remarks attributed to John Podesta, who is Mrs. Clinton's chief of staff, are just extraordinarily patronizing and insulting to Catholics. What he would say is offensive. And if it had been said about the Jewish community, if it had been said about the Islamic community, within 10 minutes there would have been an apology." Poor Dolan of New York, beset on all sides by heretics on the Intertoobz. You know what else is extraordinarily patronizing and insulting to Catholics? Hiding money in a diocesan cemetery fund so you don't have to pay it out to the victims of your depraved diocesan clergy, that's what. This guy should be studying Scripture in a monastery on the side of a cliff in Turkey, under a vow of silence, rather than yukking it up with posh Fifth Avenue Catholics. (There was a guy sitting just to the right of the podium who was festooned like an Italian admiral. Knights of Columbus, represent!) And he failed his priestly duties in another way. He failed to offer Last Rites to El Caudillo del Mar-A-Lago, because that worthy surely died in public last night. Trump started out pretty well but, apparently, he made the tactical error of letting Steve Bannon write the last third of his speech. This allowed HRC a clear field to finish him off; that joke about the Statue of Liberty drew blood.
The Trump campaign these days has all the inherent charm and optimism of a bankruptcy clearance sale. Off the media room at the debate on Wednesday night, the Trump children were romanced in the half-light by Sean Hannity while, over behind a partition, Sarah Palin entertained film crews of foreign lands. Les Americains, zey are so, how you say, tres amusantes. She stuck up for Trump's announced plan to monkeywrench the election results. "Why wouldn't-cha?" was clearly audible over the cacophony of questions asked in broken English and answered in obliterated English. The next night, the candidate got up in front of some of the swells that he's dedicated his life to overwhelming, and he tried to sell them an act that was halfway between the Catskills and the madhouse. I can't wait for this election to be over.
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