How to Talk about #metoo without Shutting down the Conversation

By Sophia Benoit
GQ
May 31, 2018

https://www.gq.com/story/talk-about-metoo

The good news is that we’ve started to have more healthy and productive conversations about sexual assault and harassment, in and out of the workplace. The bad news is that these discussions can turn awkward and uncomfortable for people who are grappling with these problems for the first time. Don't worry, we're here to help. We have some advice on how to be supportive and inoffensive in your discussions about assault and harassment. And yes, you really need to have these conversations.

Ask questions, but don’t interrogate.

If I could give all men one piece of advice, it would be: Ask questions. Talking with someone who has experienced sexual assault or harassment is not an opportunity for you to share your opinions, it is an opportunity for you to learn. That being said, make sure you’re asking thoughtful questions. Especially when you’re discussing sexual assault, some questions can seem like you’re challenging someone else’s experiences and emotions. Men often ask me, slyly, “What do you think about X?” Sometimes it seems like they don’t want to hear my opinion so much as they want me to engage in a debate with them, so that they can share their opinions. Likewise, don’t ask me what “we” as a society should do, ask me what you, specifically, can do—and then listen while I tell you. Rather than interrogating someone’s beliefs or instigating a lively debate, talking about the #MeToo movement should be about listening to people who may not have had a voice on these issues before.

Don’t compare traumas.

Each instance of assault is separate and different. It’s easy, in a news year filled with stories of sexual misconduct, to hear eight women accuse someone of assault and think of those instances as the same event (or worse, to think of all sexual assaults as one thing), but to each victim of assault, they are deeply personal and unique. When talking with people about assault, don’t compare events; no matter the intent, this comes across as suggesting that some “types” of assault are easier to endure, or ought to be taken less seriously. The focus when talking about assault should be on addressing the perpetrator and other problematic behavior, rather than addressing how any survivor should feel.

Keep in mind that while this is the first time many people are talking about or even taking notice of these systemic issues, this is not new, and it is not unique to Hollywood. Celebrities are not the only ones who have been assaulted, and they’re not the only ones who have been speaking up. Remember that the topic is an emotional one, and treat it with care.

Do your research.

Google is your friend. Plenty of survivors have already talked about their experiences, so read up! At least get informed about the basics, so that when you are having a conversation, you aren’t asking someone to spend their time teaching you things you could easily Google (just because I’m a woman, doesn’t mean I can cite stats on assault ad infinitum). That being said, doing research doesn’t make you an expert. You’ll never be an expert, because you haven’t lived through this stuff. Sexual assault is an emotional subject, and approaching it with stats and policy and logic can make other people feel hurt and dismissed. Unless your actual job is to oversee research-method standards at the lab where a study is taking place, that’s not a productive path.