We are assured by the diocese that there will be “appropriate safeguards in place,” but I haven’t been able to ascertain what those might be. We can be confident though that they’re watching out for our children as they’ve always done. Except for the many years they operated a pedophile priest shell game. New parishes, fresh victims. I believe their ultimate response was “Oops! My bad.” and a published list of 73 known abusers.

Diocese Superintendent of Schools David Thibault says, “remote learning is not ideal.” I say neither is coronavirus. He states that “we...are prepared to adjust our plans should a public health emergency arise again.” The public health emergency is over? Hallelujah! I thought I’d be hearing this from Anthony Fauci before I heard it from the Diocese of Manchester, but hey, I’ll welcome news like this when I get it!

As if reopening schools full force isn’t enough to digest, it seems the diocese is not satisfied with killing off only those already enrolled in Catholic schools. The diocese has implemented a new program they’re calling TIP (Transfer Incentive Program) where tuition will be discounted for Catholic kiddos transferring into Catholic schools. The TIP sounds to me more like the RIP. It should be noted that while TIP funding is not need based, RIP funding likely is.

“Team member” Alison Mueller, director of a bunch of stuff I don’t have room to list, says “We’re calling this the ‘See you in class!’ campaign.” I’m calling this the “See you in class... but not at graduation!” campaign.

Apparently, an informal survey concluded that eight out of 10 parents reported their children missed interactions with classmates and teachers. Huge red flag. What’s wrong with the kids in the other two out of 10 families who don’t miss these interactions? They warrant close observation.

I’ve had an epiphany. It’s clear that Dr. Anthony Fauci’s days on the coronavirus task force are numbered, so he might soon be available to head up a TIP task force. He even went to Catholic school himself. He attended Regis, a prestigious Jesuit school in New York City that is the alma mater of Saturday Night Live’s Colin Jost and my cheating college boyfriend. But I digress. Fauci would be quite the coup for the diocese. Except that he has a tendency to speak before thinking, or before thinking about personal ramifications.

What does Governor Chris Sununu think? He has three school-age children. It is of note that before this past weekend’s Trump rally in Portsmouth was canceled, Sununu was not planning to mingle with maskless minions. I’m guessing that was by design. So I’m curious, what will Sununu’s kids be doing come September?

While the diocese is busy preparing to reopen all its schools, it’s worth noting the footnote on the media release: “The Diocese of Manchester is the Roman Catholic Church in New Hampshire, serving the needs of nearly 235,000 Catholics.” My footnote: They’re going to need to be ready to update that number regularly.