Abuse's impact can be lifelong, lethal

By Laura Ungar
The News Journal
June 13, 2002

Cyndi Desrosiers said she can't look at a cross without remembering the one that dangled from a necklace her parish priest wore as he molested her.

Sometimes, she recalls the Halloween night she said he raped her in a cemetery, then threatened to bury her in an open grave when she fought to get away.

The abuse started when she was 4 years old and continued for a year and a half, she said.

The scars lasted decades.

Desrosiers, of Maine, said she struggled with issues of trust, intimacy and self-esteem, issues that other victims of sexual abuse by Roman Catholic priests also have dealt with.

She said she became clinically depressed, suicidal.

"I lost a lot of years," Desrosiers, 37, said in a recent interview. She was expected to arrive in Dallas before the start of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops meeting today and planned to participate in activities for abuse victims.

Therapists and victims' advocates are hearing scores of similar stories as the church sex scandal revives memories.

Priests in several states and nations have been accused of molesting children. The Catholic Diocese of Wilmington has identified 15 priests over the past half century with "substantiated allegations" of abuse against them.

Attorney General M. Jane Brady said she has received complaints about at least five more priests.

Some victims require years of therapy because the hurt is so deep. Many Catholic children are taught to view priests as God's emissaries. Abuse takes away their sense of power, and affects their mental health, relationships, careers and sex lives.

"Many of us feel as if we have been raped by God," said Barbara Blaine, founder and president of the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests. The victims' group is holding several events in Dallas, including a news conference and support session, and victims are meeting with bishops and cardinals.

Experts aren't sure how many Americans have been molested by priests. The survivor's group has 4,000 members, and leaders said most victims never come forward. Even fewer take action against attackers.

Desrosiers did. She said she sued the Rev. Robert E. Kelley - who served prison time for raping another girl - and won a $500,000 settlement.

But she said money couldn't buy back her innocence or her faith.

Therapists say the psychological damage is most insidious when the child comes from a devout family and the priest establishes an ongoing relationship with his victim.

Valerie Marek, executive director of a Wilmington-based treatment center called Survivors of Abuse in Recovery, said it's easier to cope with one-time abuse than the more common scenario of gradual coercion.

Phil Saviano of Boston, who also is expected in Dallas today, said he was molested in the 1960s by a priest named David Holley, who struck up a friendship with card tricks. "Then one day the deck of cards had pornographic pictures on them," Saviano said in a recent interview.

Soon the priest asked the 11-year-old boy to dig through his pants pockets for money, Saviano said, and eventually, he forced the boy to perform oral sex.

Saviano said he knew it was wrong, but couldn't bring himself to tell anyone because he felt embarrassed and didn't want to make his devout Italian Catholic father angry. Saviano sued Holley and the bishop in Massachusetts. The lawsuit was settled out of court, he said.

Many young victims feel shame and guilt, Marek said. They keep the abuse secret, especially if they are threatened. They often become angry, develop problems with authority and feel out of control.

Children who have strained relationships with their parents - whom molesters often target - fare worse. "The more needy the young person is when it occurs, the more devastating it is," said Gary Schoener of Minnesota, a clinical psychologist who has treated priests' victims.

Whatever their family situations, victims are forced to either live with their memories, or, like Desrosiers, repress them for years.

Desrosiers said she felt worthless growing up, and married at 18 instead of risking failure by moving away to college.

Saviano, on the other hand, said he frequently recalled the abuse and became withdrawn, depressed and insecure. As a high school senior, he said he tried to take his life.

Experts said the effects of child sexual abuse often haunt victims well into adulthood.

Janet Patterson of Kansas said recently that a parish priest molested her son, Eric, when he was 12, but she didn't know about it until much later. After graduating from college, Eric taught religion and Spanish at a private Catholic boarding school. Patterson, who was in Dallas Wednesday, said she knew something was wrong when her son started fasting and taking cold showers every night. He lost a lot of weight, she said.

Patterson said she took him to the hospital and he fell into a psychotic depression. Eric Patterson died at 29 when he shot himself in the head.

He left a suicide note about how he could never please God.

Experts said many victims try suicide, and those who don't succeed remain deeply wounded. Many eventually are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, in which they suffer flashbacks that interfere with their daily lives.

They also have trouble building intimate relationships and sometimes unconsciously seek partners who abuse them.

"They can't tell good, safe people from unsafe people," Marek said.

In college, Saviano said he felt threatened when women expressed interest in him. After discovering he was gay, he couldn't make serious relationships work. In 1984, he found out he was HIV-positive.

Desrosiers, meanwhile, said, "I basically don't trust people."

Lack of trust, depression and problems with authority also can sabotage careers, experts said. Problems quickly worsen when victims seek escape through alcohol or drugs.

"There are people whose lives went down the toilet after the abuse happened," Schoener said.

Marek said victims often wait 10 to 20 years to seek counseling - if they ever do. Some turn to support groups, family members, or rape crisis centers.

"You can't get through this without support," Desrosiers said.

The way the church and the justice system handle victims' cases can either hurt or help, psychologists said.

The priest who Saviano said molested him is now serving a life sentence for molesting boys in New Mexico, and the priest Eric Patterson identified as his attacker is serving three to 10 years in prison for attacks on other boys.

But even if justice is served, the vast majority of victims leave the Catholic Church, and many give up on religion, said social work professor Donna Fiedler.

"Clergy represents God, and lay people take that very seriously," said Fiedler, who studies emotional trauma at La Salle University in Philadelphia.

Janet Patterson, who used to teach Catholic school, said she can't bring herself to go to Mass anymore.

"Until the church cleans up the whole mess, I can't be a part of it," she said. "I feel like I'm betraying my son."

Reach Laura Ungar at 324-2547 or lungar@delawareonline.com.

HELP FOR ABUSE VICTIMS

Where to turn:

Survivors of Abuse in Recovery counseling services: 655-3953

Delaware Helpline, database of services available in Delaware: 800-464-4357

Survivors Network of Those Abused By Priests, Philadelphia chapter, recently re-started support group: no phone number yet, e-mail: juliepreyhar@juno.com

Warning signs:

The following are considered to be common warning signs that a child is being abused (these don't necessarily indicate a child is being abused but should heighten a parent's concern):

• Self-destructive behavior

• Withdrawn or aggressive behavior

• Trouble sleeping

• Problems with peers

• Sudden substantial weight change

• Sudden school difficulties

• Inappropriate sex play

Source: Prevent Child Abuse Delaware