NEW YORK (NY)
The Cut
February 13, 2018
By Judy Dushku
The most shocking thing about the outing of Rob Porter this week is not that there is another accused wife-batterer in the White House — it’s who did the outing: his Mormon ex-wives. Mormon women pretty reliably show up in comedy and drama as naïve, passive, and sweet mothers; gentle women who do not take the reins in blowing up an abuser and a criminal. In bringing down Porter, Jennie Willoughby and Colbie Holderness defied their church bishops, who had dismissed their allegations about how he punched and choked them, and instead went public. They shared photographs, and details of the alleged abuse, and refused to back down — even in the face of a president who doubts them. To see Mormon women take on a Mormon man of such stature is quite a new image.
I’m a 75-year-old woman, and I’ve been a Mormon my whole life. I am so proud of these breakers of the mold, these bold and honest survivors who have taken a well-protected bull by his horns and refused to give up.
Mormon women often ask ourselves if we are “too nice” and “too timid.” In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are urged to speak up and take a stand on important issues of the day, but we acknowledge that we are culturally socialized to be polite and gentle to the point of being submissive. In talks by our leaders, women held as role models are typically described as modest, humble, and kind, people who accomplish great things through quiet persistence or meekness. We tease each other about how often we begin a sentence with “I’m sorry, but …” Or if we decide to criticize something, we say, “I don’t mean to be mean, but … ” Often, we back down from our firmest declarations of disagreement and anger.
And if a woman acts in ways out of sync with this style, she is usually shunned. Administrative and teaching roles in Church congregations are filled by members who are “called to serve” by a local male leader. Women who are “called” are likely to be charismatic and energetic — but still able to appear docile and dutiful. Women who seem to have mastered the art of leading with an air of the eager harmonizer are the ones who rise to the “top” spots in a congregational or ward hierarchy.
Women habituated to this style of interacting with others are perhaps not the best prepared to fight back if they are mistreated. In our church, the abuse of women by men is not new. And in the last decade it has been widely discussed, and acknowledged as a problem. Yes, there are manuals for ward bishops that are intended to help them deal with the complaints of women who describe abuse — but everyone knows about incidents of spousal abuse in every ward, which still often go minimized or ignored. When Colbie Holderness confided in her bishop about Porter’s alleged abuse, he cautioned that filing a protective order could harm her husband’s career. Jennie Willoughby says her bishop did not respond to her complaints about her husband being “physical” with any great concern.
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