UNITED STATES
A Room with a Pew
Paul Fericano
“Forgiveness is a word no one can agree on.”
–Marina Cantacuzino, The Forgiveness Project
Forgiveness is often a complex and confusing aspect of any healing process, particularly for those molested by the clergy. According to my own traditional Catholic school upbringing, the act was designed to be simple. We were told to forgive and we felt obligated to do so. We merely spoke the right words and our faith transformed us. But any movement in that direction was mostly driven by guilt, fear and control. I wasn’t the only one who was left feeling empty and unfulfilled. Most of us had no understanding of either the act or the method. How could we know otherwise? When forgiveness was preached it was often more about imposing beliefs and values and less about helping others find comfort and stillness.
In truth, there’s nothing simple about forgiveness. It involves diligence, a desire to chart a new course, and a willingness to be honest with our feelings. Forgiveness is not a convenience. It’s a conversation. There are no guarantees that those we forgive today will be forgiven tomorrow, including ourselves. It’s a fluid and ever-deepening practice. Like a river that constantly flows into and from our own experiences, it’s an ongoing process that reflects our struggles. When we freely immerse ourselves in that river our choices become clearer and our efforts more meaningful.
In my first column for “A Room With A Pew” which appeared in December, 2013, I briefly mentioned forgiving my offender, Franciscan friar, Mario Cimmarrusti, who had passed away that November. Two months later, I was compelled to publish an “In Memoriam” piece on Mario in which I discussed my relationship with him over the years, and how forgiveness helped me come to terms with his presence in my life. In both articles, I didn’t relate the details or circumstances of my decision to forgive. Instead, I chose to focus on the effects of my resolution.
In the last few months I’ve received a number of inquiries from clergy abuse survivors asking me to share more of my personal experience regarding those details and circumstances. This hasn’t surprised me. The language of forgiveness may be foreign to many survivors, but more and more men and women have begun to explore this issue in earnest. One survivor spoke of her failed attempts to convince herself. “I’m not really clear about what forgiveness means to me anymore,” she wrote. Another survivor struggled with direction. “I’d read things and figured I could do this,” he explained. “I had no idea how or where to start.” Others felt trapped or disappointed in the theological propositions of inclusion and exclusion. One survivor aptly summed it up: “My cynicism makes forgiveness impractical.”
Note: This is an Abuse Tracker excerpt. Click the title to view the full text of the original article. If the original article is no longer available, see our News Archive.