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	Victim Works to Halt Abuse By Bevin Milavsky The Daily Item August 28, 2005 A woman who was sexually abused as a child is working for legislative change to stop the cycle of abuse and bring justice to others who have been victimized. Tammy Lerner, of New Tripoli, is co-director of the Lehigh Valley chapter of SNAP (Survivor's Network of those Abused by Priests), and for the past three years her main focus has been serving as legislative director. Ms. Lerner's abuse began when she was 4 or 5 and growing up in Mifflinburg. She said the abuse was committed by two members of her extended family. Ms. Lerner's grandfather was a non-denominational minister who held church services in his home every Sunday. Although her grandfather was in no way involved in her abuse, she said the very strict, conservative nature of the religion engendered secrecy, much like what shrouded the Catholic clergy abuse scandals. She said this was coupled with her own family dynamics, which were extremely unhealthy, and made it difficult for relatives to believe one of their own could harm a child. "That silence that children keep because of that faith allows the abuse to flourish," she said. "When you're being abused in the name of God, that's a whole different dynamic, and that's what's happening within the Catholic clergy abuse crisis. Children are being abused and they're being told this is OK, I'm teaching you, I'm educating you or God says that this is OK. The children aren't going to question that." Ms. Lerner said speaking with other adult survivors of sexual abuse has taught her that she was not alone in feeling that she could not speak up about the situation. "In my case, my story is so much like other survivors' stories, and it was amazing when I joined SNAP. Every story that I heard, I couldn't help but identify with it," she said. SNAP is a 14-year-old organization that started in Chicago. There are 6,000 members nationwide, and its 53 chapters do not cater solely to victims of clergy abuse. Ms. Lerner, a non-Catholic and an artist, learned about SNAP when she was working on a photographic project entitled "In the Face of Abuse." The work-in-progress is a collection of black-and-white photographs of adult survivors of abuse telling their stories. One of her photographic subjects was the director of the Philadelphia chapter of SNAP. "The whole point to the project was to show the public what a child sexual abuse survivor looks like," Ms. Lerner said. "And the point is they look like your next door neighbor, and not a lot of people realize that." Ms. Lerner's abuse continued until she was 11 or 12 and was permitted to stay on her own during the day in the summer. She said the family never spoke of the issue until a cousin who is a couple of years older than she is called her one night from college and mentioned the abuse. When she was 28, and married with her two children, she got a call from another cousin who was also abused. They called a family meeting with a representative from Susquehanna Valley Women in Transition acting as a mediator. "Most of us had little kids ourselves and we didn't want anything to happen to them," she said. But Ms. Lerner said the family meeting split their relatives down the middle, with some siding with the perpetrators. "We felt like we were re-victimized by the family. And that hurt me more than the actual physical abuse did," she said. She said knowing that her family not only failed to protect her, but then denounced her story and refused to look out for the next generation, was extremely hurtful. "I don't think that people realize what child sexual abuse does," she said. "It not only impacts the victims; it impacts everybody around that victim." By the time Ms. Lerner's family came together to address the abuse, it was too late to hold the perpetrators criminally responsible. The statute of limitations on sexual abuse cases is 12 years past the age of 18. This was extended from two years past the age of 18 a few years ago, but Ms. Lerner said giving victims until they turn 30 is still not enough. This prompted Ms. Lerner to start fighting for change. "We know that they don't stop abusing. Statistics show that perpetrators don't stop as they age, they just get better at it, and that's what really scares me," she said. "If there's no statute on homicide, why is there a statute on child sex abuse when really that's the raping and murdering and pillaging of a child's soul?" At this point, there is also no law to mandate clergy to report abuse if they know about it, and Ms. Lerner is working on a bill that would require clergy to report suspected abuse, just as a doctor or teacher would. "There's a lot of new exciting legislation that we're looking at," she said. Though Ms. Lerner now realizes that she could not deal with her abuse on her own, it was not always easy to seek help. After the family meeting, Ms. Lerner considered therapy, but re-living the abuse was overwhelming, and she was suffering from nightmares and flashbacks. "I just felt if I started therapy at that point, I didn't know how I was going to survive," she said. Ms. Lerner foundered, jumping from one job to another before realizing therapy was the only way for her to start to heal and become a productive, whole person. "It was the most exhausting "" mentally and physically exhausting "" trying time of my life," she said. It was during this time that she started "In the Face of Abuse." But as she threw herself into her work with SNAP, she had to stop therapy again because she could not juggle all the responsibilities when all she was thinking of was her abuse. After she contemplated suicide last year, she went into intensive therapy, incorporating psychotherapy, medications and counseling. She said therapy has helped her create boundaries and refrain from taking on everyone else's burdens. "It's just helped me tremendously," she said. "Now I'm more balanced too with the legislative stuff and family life." Working to aid others who were victimized as children has given Ms. Lerner a sense of purpose and helped her continue to heal. "I am so elated when I see a perpetrator behind bars … not just for the vindication that it's giving the victim, but mainly because I know it's preventing them from abusing future children," she said. "I don't want to see future generations of kids have to endure what I've gone through ... because it really is a lifetime sentence. It takes away your childhood, it takes away your youth and you're never the same ever again. You don't view things the way other people view things." She said a lot of people who are abused as children turn to alcohol or drugs, and she has known some who committed suicide. Marital problems and an inability to follow through with school or work are also classic tendencies. Ms. Lerner said she was always plagued with guilt, had problems with alcohol and was promiscuous as a teenager, dropped out of college multiple times and has endured a sometimes rocky relationship with her husband of 13 years. "In my adult relationships in general, even with friends, I've had difficulty maintaining a closeness, because I have real trust issues," she said. She said there is a stigma attached to being abused, so victims try to muddle through their lives, while the perpetrators get away with their deviant actions. "You hold it in, you always feel different," she said. Ms. Lerner's abuse shaped her views on religion, her belief in herself and her thoughts on safety for her children. "My family views me as a black sheep because of my religious viewpoints. I do not have the stereotypical viewpoints on religion at all. I don't think that organized religion is necessarily the healthiest thing because of the fact that the atmosphere breeds secrecy," she said. "When you have secrecy, you have the breeding ground for abuse, and that's what we're starting to see as all these thousands of people come forward. "I think religion can be a really good thing if people are educated and if people are aware and if people teach their kids that it's OK to speak their minds and not necessarily cave into adult authority all the time if they feel like something's wrong … Unfortunately what happens with a lot of religion is that doesn't happen. We teach our children that what the pastor says goes. This person is next to God; they can never do any wrong. In a child's head, what he's thinking is 'if he's a man of God, what he's doing to me must be OK. To me, that's what's scary about religion. People don't want to hear it, but it's the truth." Ms. Lerner said her abuse led her to become a follower, always seeking approval from others. "It's been programmed in you from the time you were little that you're supposed to serve others," she said. "So that's something I really had to work on, and believe me, I'm the total opposite now." With her children, a 10-year-old daughter, and 13-year-old son, Ms. Lerner constantly looks for ways to educate them on safety. "Last night, I was at the grocery store with my daughter, and I told her to look around the lot and asked her if she saw anyone who made her uneasy and, if so, what would she do," she said. "I kind of feel like maybe I'm making them a little bit paranoid." But since most sexual abuse is initiated from someone the child knows, she wants her kids to be able to protect themselves and know they can come to her with any concerns. Her children know about her experiences, and she said while it was uncomfortable to share that information with them, she considers it crucial to be open. "Parents need to get over that," she said. "They need to put their own embarrassment aside." Although Ms. Lerner wants to help others who were abused as children, there are days her work can become overwhelming. "It just becomes such a part of your life and, in and of itself, the subject is depressing," she said. "What keeps me going, what fuels my fire, is every time I look at my kids and every time I'm out somewhere and see little children." She does not understand why there is not more public outrage about pedophiles. "People get upset over the price of a cigarette increase, people get upset over medical malpractice, but yet this is something that has such a huge impact on the lives of children and the community," she said. She said silence begets inertia, and she is not willing to watch the abuse continue. "People really need to stop and take this seriously. They think that they're immune from it," she said. "It's so much more relevant than they realize."