Fields: the Real Victimizers in Sex Abuse

By Sam Fields
Broward Beat
October 14, 2010

Willard Trent is suing the Archdiocese of Miami for sex abuse.

Ordinarily that's a "dog bites man story." What makes it a "man bites dog" story is that Trent is 55, the priest has been dead for 11 years and the abuse is alleged to have happened in 1967 and 1968.

I'm going to take Trent at his word that all this happened and he is still suffering.

But here is the real question I have for Mr. Trent? Exactly what kind of an upbringing did you have that has allowed sex forced on you by a priest to still affect you after 43 years?

Get Over It

It is not just Trent. Many victims of a non-violent sex abuse can be their own worst enemies.

And it is more likely to happen when they come from cultural backgrounds that put even healthy sex on a questionable pedestal.

You can bet it is going to happen when it is regularly beat into kids that sex for anything other than procreation in a male/female marriage is dirty and sinful. Is it any wonder they suffer a powerful and unnecessary sense of guilt notwithstanding that they were innocent victims?

But it does not have to be that way.

Many victims of non-violent sex abuse do not feel a lifetime of guilt or trauma that impairs their ability to develop normal intimate relationships.

I am Exhibit A.

Although my parents never gave me regular lectures about the birds and bees, they also never made sex seem like some sacrosanct mystery of Biblical proportions.

By doing so, they could have become a victimizer damaging me mentally by warping my views on sex for life.

I Was Molested And Recovered

I am grateful my parents had a healthy attitude about sex. Because when I was around eight or nine, an older relative molested me.

This 14-year-old made me masturbate him. More than once.

He has since died.

Until ten or fifteen years ago, I never told anyone about it. It just never seemed that important until I mentioned it to his sister. It came on a day when we were sitting around talking about all the crazies in our family. Interestingly, she was not particularly surprised.

Looking back, I am glad I didn't say anything at the time.

The first reason was my father. He was a New York City Police detective and he was a scary guy–think Sipowicz on the television show "NYPD Blue". God only knows what he would have done to the kid.

The second reason was that I am sure they would have sent me to a shrink for therapy that I did not need. It is on that couch where many real problems can begin.

Therapists Can Be The Real Victimizers!

Too many of these professionals cannot accept anyone who can deal with sex abuse without trauma. For them, you are either overtly traumatized or you are repressing traumas.

If you are in the latter category, therapists are going to pry trauma out of you even if it is not there. It is what they do for a living. And that could have been me.

I could have been sexually crippled by a therapist who made me feel guilty for not feeling bad. Or is it the other way around?

Or I could have been sexually crippled by parents with a twisted moral code that equated sex with evil.

But none of that happened.

As a result I never allowed the molestation to affect me. I continue to have a happy and healthy sex life free from guilt or fear.

Do I now think sex is dirty and nasty? Sure, but only if you do it right.


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